~Charles Schultz
Journalism consists largely in saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive
~G. K. Chesterton
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it
~Winston Churchill, Sir
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
~Anonymous English Professor, Ohio University
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
~Charlie McCarthy
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
~Paul Beatty
God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
~Robin Williams, commenting on the Clinton/Lewinsky affair
The greatest promises are given when least is said
~George Chapman
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
~Henry Kissinger
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers
~Gandhi
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement
~Snoopy
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
~ George Bernard Shaw
And remember, no matter where you go, there you are
~Buckaroo Banzai
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book
~Ronald Regean
A good politician is a man that stands up in the boat, rocks it from side to side and then convinces you he's the only one who can save you from the storm
Ginger Rogers
For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum
~J.W. Schopf
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it
~Russel Baker
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers
~ Daniel J. Boorstin
When a politician says "we're all in the same boat" beware. It means he wants to be captain, and you have to row
~Johannes Hohlenberg
God stopped making the Earth when he had finished Norway. 'The rest you'll have to do yourself', he told the people
~Horst Tappert (German)
Norwegians are rarely spontanious before they think it over
~Odd Eiden
America is a country who dosen't know where it's going, but is determined to set a speed record getting there
~Laurence J. Peter
You're only a TV-star when people in front of the screen forgets that they long since should have been to the bathroom
~Gilbert Becaud
A television is like a toaster. You press one button, and you always see the same thing.
~Alfred Hitchcock
Some TV shows have grown so sugar-sweet you should warn people with diabetes before they start
~Robert Lembke
When we win, we get drunk,a nd when we loose, we get drunk too
~Jack Charlton (Coach for Irelands soccer team)
Men have no patience. That's why they invented the zipper
~Senta Berger
God did give the humans reason, but forgot to disclose the manual
~Ralf Bulow
God created man because he was disappointed over the apes. After that he has given up any further experiments
~Mark Twain
Hell is a place where germans are police, the Sweds handle the humour, the Italians take care of the defence, the French build roads, the popsingers are Belgium, the Spanish build railroads, the Turkish make the food, the Greek rule and the language is Dutch
~David Frost
Hell is a place where Englishmen cook, Italians direct trafic and Germans make the entertainment shows
~Robert Lempke
Half the worlds population are smug, dirty and stupid. The other half are women
~Harly Foged
How I feel about Western Civilization? I think that had been a good idea
~Gandhi
We wonder if the Swedish are about to bore themselves to death. Judging from their cars and movies, they are
~PJ O'Rourke
What color has a Smurf when you strangle it?
~Steven Wright
It's cold outside there's no kind of atmosphere,
I'm all alone, more or less.
Let me fly far away from here,
fun fun fun, in the sun sun sun.
I want to lie shipwrecked and comatosed,
drinking fresh mango juice,
gold fish shoals nibbling at my toes,
fun fun fun, in the sun sun sun.
~Red Dwarf Opening Theme
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and have been generally considered a bad move
~~Douglas Adams
[W]hat are you then?
I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.
What are you doing in England?
Mind your own business.
~King Arthur,a French Soilder and Sir Galahad in Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail
We're knights of the round table,
We dance whenever we're able,
We do routines, and chorus scenes,
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot,
We eat ham, and jam, and spam a lot
~The Knights of the Round Table in Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail
As the horrendous black beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart-attack. The cartoon peril was no more
~The Narrator in Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail
I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.... This is an ex-parrot.
~John Cleese, Monty Python, British comedy television show
Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the coloring book, Spaceballs: the lunch box, Spaceballs: the breakfast cereal, Spaceballs: the flamethrower--the kids love this one--last but not least, Spaceballs: the doll.
~Yogurt in Spaceballs
How can there be a cassette of Spaceballs: The Movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
That's true, sir. But, there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
There has?
Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
~Dark Helmet and Col. Sandurz in Spaceballs
